I wish I was like you, easily amused

I’ve been trying to finish this piece for the better part of two weeks.  This website has given me the chance to express my feelings in a way that only putting the figurative pen to the paper allows you to.  No amount of talking to people ever really comes close to what you can do on paper.  But, I’m not quite sure how much of myself I want to let out into the open.  This post was, at some points, twice as long as the final product  After writing, deleting, tinkering, rewriting, this is what I came up with.

For the month of June, the weather has been surprisingly nice. Lack of humidity is always a beautiful anomaly during the summer in D.C. Its too bad me being outside has pretty much been limited to walking to and from the metro before and after work. This whole working for money thing is overrated. I’m usually too tired to do anything other than sit in front of the TV with a cold beer. Problem is, when I’m tired I get cranky (just ask my roommates). I’m somewhat of a loner, so what often happens is I sit in my room by myself, turn on some music, and recharge. Only sometimes, I just can’t recharge.

I’ve dealt with depression continuously since my freshman year in college. I suspect it has been longer than that, but that’s when I started seeing a shrink. I’ve been on medication. I’ve written about it before. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that yes, there are times when I need help from someone or something other than myself. It’s the way life goes. The problem is, depression doesn’t just stop. Anyone who has been depressed knows that it never really goes away completely (and I don’t mean “I had a bad day, my boss yelled at me, my car broke down in the pouring ran, and I got a D on my exam ” depressed. That’s a shitty situation, but you’re not depressed). It’s like that nagging hamstring injury that athletes get. You get to the point where you can play with minimal discomfort. But at least once every season, you’ve got to miss a few games because of a bad hammy.  You need the offseason to fully heal and recharge. I’ve been doing fine the past few months, but it still rears its ugly head every now and then.

For the most part, I’ve learned to recognize the signs and catch myself before I fall too far down.  I’ve only had one full blown depressive stage and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the original.  Sometimes there’s a reason for it.  But most of the time, I get in these seemingly random weird moods.  Don’t know why.  It just happens.  I keep to myself more than usual.  I play something like Elliott Smith, Radiohead or Regina Spektor, close my eyes and slowly drift away.  You see, sleeping is so much easier than trying to figure out why you’re in that weird mood.  You can go away to a place where you don’t have to deal with anything.  But, when you wake up, it’s still there and eventually you’re forced to deal with it.  Sometimes you figure out what it is.  Sometimes you don’t.  All you can do is pick yourself up and move on.  It will eventually fade.  It always does.

I’ve been having trouble recharging over the past couple weeks.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with adjusting to working a 40+ hour week.  Coming home tired every evening.  But there’s something else there and I’m still trying to figure out what it is this time around.  Maybe I’ll figure it out.  Maybe I won’t.  But eventually it will fade.  It always does.